My Teeth are Assholes, But I get to Dream of James McAvoy

As the title states, my teeth are assholes. I've always had bad teeth and skipping out on dentist visits for 9 years in my 20s didn't make them any better. I'm at a point where my dentists have given me a VIP punch card - 10 cavities filled and the 11th is free! Root canals equal at least 3 cavities and come with Vicodin, which I get for the second time this month.

Actual photo

I had to take some delicious Vicodin last week because my dentist attempted to kill the nerves in my bad tooth. It didn't work, but when I took the Vicodin, I had really lucid dreams about James McAvoy and was convinced for a few hours that we were in love.

Prof. X digs chicks with bad teeth. That's why he went to Oxford.

And then I remembered that I went to see X-Men: First Class and figured I should probably write about it. I liked the movie at the time and I still kind of like the movie a week or so later even after I've had some time to think about it and ask myself a few times, wtf?

As the years go by, this bitch is getting more and more annoyed with adaptations and reboots. I really don't understand reboots that change the fundamentals of a storyline or characterization. I sincerely dislike the last 3 Harry Potter movies, but at least the basic story is the same as the books. At no point do we find a much younger Dumbledore hobnobbing with the current batch of Hogwarts students, including a young and handsome Voldemort, complete with nose.

This is what made Dumbledore gay, and I don't blame him.

X-Men: First Class was a fun way to spend a couple of hours, but the more I think about it, the more I wonder why X-Men? Character timelines were so out of whack in this film that I think the only reason writers pasted this story onto a Marvel franchise was to make exponentially more money than if they had created new characters to tell a new story. I'm not a complete purist (although I admit to being very picky about adaptations) but none of these characters resembled the X-Men I grew up with, or even the X-Men I like as an adult. Actually, there were two exceptions to this:

All of my fillings are enamel, asshole.

Michael Fassbender made a great Magneto. I bought the rage and the anger. It wasn't until I was older that I saw Magneto as a sympathetic villain, and Fassbender really cemented that idea, moreso than even Ian McKellan. I don't even know that I would call him a villain anymore in light of the Initiative storyline. I like Magneto. X-Men: First Class might make an excellent set-up in character for the future Magneto, leader of The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. I would watch a movie about Magneto.

The second actor who I felt really brought it was:

I mean January Jones, not her boobies.

Most of the internet disagrees with me on this one. Folks are saying her performance was "wooden" and "unemotional." But seriously, have any of you read Emma Frost? She is the definition of deadpan. Bitch doesn't crack a smile unless she's mindfucking someone. And even then, it's more of a lip twitch than a smile. I think January Jones nailed Emma, and I'm picky about Emma since she's one of my very favorite Marvel characters.

But back to my issues... There was just so much wrong with continuity on all levels. I feel like the writers threw a bunch of traits and ideas in a hat and randomly picked them out to cobble together a story that they could slap on the X-Men. Teenage Banshee - check. Charles Xavier and Raven Darkholm raised as siblings - check. Emma Frost's secondary mutation of diamond skin - check. And let's not forget Angel Salvadore, who really only shares a name and powers with her comic book counterpart.

Angel and Beak get married as teenagers and have a bunch of fly/freak hybrid children. They live behind the X-Mansion in an X-Trailor.

Angel is a fairly new character, so I wonder, why her? Why mess with her continuity so very badly? The writers created the mutant Darwin for the movie - what was the purpose of bringing in an already existing character only to destroy almost all semblance to her comic book identity?

I guess I feel like movie adaptations are becoming fanfic for people with lots of money. If someone were to write the story of X-Men: First Class for some fanfic forum, no one would ever look twice at it and most of us (me) would deride it without even having to look. But rich folks with cameras can bring the same story to the big screen and we all pay $8 and up to see it. I loathe fanfic. I wonder how this movie was pitched.

"Charles Xavier is a really groovy and smart mutant who uses his power to pick up chicks. He has hair, even. He meets up with a really angry mutant who uses his powers to go after Sebastian Shaw's wicked sideburns. They start a school of other famous mutants retconned into teenagers (but not from the original comic books) and hijinx ensue. Oh yeah, and Emma Frost's boobs, too."

Okay, Kevin Bacon's sideburns get an honorable mention for pulling off their role as well.

*Sigh* I dunno. I really want to enjoy this movie, and I did at the time. But I can't get past the insane messing around with character and storyline. If you're going to screw with the cannon of someone else's creation this much, just make up your own damn characters and tell your own damn story.

And now if you'll excuse me, my teeth hurt and James McAvoy is waiting for me in Vicodin dreamland.